THE ONLY BEHAVIOUR

YOU CONTROL

IS YOUR

OWN.

“Some of us love the idea of changing other people, and spend excessive amounts of time and energy trying to do just that, getting angry, upset or frustrated if they don’t change.”

Learning to process behaviour, your own and that of those around you, in the moment, is not easy. And, if you’re honest, are you happy with your behaviour? All of the time? What about other people’s? What about that driver who cut you up at the lights the other day, and that idiot from Accounts?

Martin Humphries is a man familiar with bad behaviour – his own (at times), and that of everybody else (of course) – and admits he was of the opinion it was everybody else who needed to change to make his life better, and not he himself.

Recognising that his behaviour was not always doing him any favours, and conscious of behaviour he admired in others, he made it his ambition to better manage what were often split-second reactions to people and events, for good or for bad. As a consequence, he came to the realisation: the only behaviour we can actually control is our own.

“But is abandoning our need to change everybody else, and learning to control our own behaviour, the fix for everything?”

ABOUT

BUY

BE YOUR

GENUINE

SELF.

“As far back as I can remember, I have always had a sense of responsibility that has expressed itself in all sorts of ways during my working life, from looking out for other people to stepping up to lead an activity.

When I was teaching, I ran a unit for children who were excluded from school, and quickly learnt that for most of them their biggest challenge was controlling their choices. I recall being acutely aware of how other people judged me, and I worked hard at adapting my approach to get the best results with these young people. As a first-class rugby referee, I loved being the arbiter and facilitating the outcome, especially under pressure. It was then that I began to focus on the behaviours within my control to achieve the right outcome. But it was when I started working as a professional presenter that I became acutely aware of the power of the language used when facilitating. During a presentation I would observe my audience, and listen to the voice in my head that was feeding back their reactions. I would become very conscious of my eye contact, my voice and my gestures, and make adjustments accordingly.

Like most people, I have had many flawed relationships and associations, but when I reflect on this, from both a professional and personal standpoint, I realise that the variety of people I have encountered, and the richness of different cultures, has allowed me to analyse my own behaviour. Behaviour breeds behaviour, and I am acutely sensitive to the signals that people give when I first meet them. We only have one chance to make a first impression, and it is only through having this awareness that we are able to manage our own behaviour effectively.”

MARTIN HUMPRHIES - AUTHOR

CHAPTERS

Martin Humphries was born in Exeter. He taught in a large comprehensive school in Sheffield for 14 years, before travelling worldwide delivering culture change programmes and establishing an ecommerce company. He now lives in Devon with his wife, where he does business consultancy work and writes.

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

We all have the power and responsibility to improve how we behave. This comes through self-reflection and a willingness to change.

We cannot change other people’s behaviour however much we would like to, but we can lead by example.

Are you happy with your behaviour all the time?
What would you like to change about it?
Is there someone in your life whose behaviour is not to your liking?
Is there a way you could change your reaction/approach to that person?

Improving ourselves helps to make us feel fulfilled, and there are many ways to do this. Making a choice that will lead to personal growth may take us out of our comfort zone; but it will also make us better able to deal with any crisis we may face in our life.

When was the last time you took a risk?
Is there one thing you have always wanted to do but never tried?
How could you develop yourself so that you are able to do this thing?
How do you think you will feel after you have done it?

Environment and genetics influence our behaviour. But we can change our behaviour for the better; we can control our moods, change our habits, develop a more positive attitude, respect other people’s values, and work on improving our personality and temperament.

Is there one aspect of your behaviour you would like to improve?
What would you gain if you were successful in doing that?
What would the short- and long-term benefits be?
Would you feel happier if you learnt to manage your behaviour better?

Any relationship requires us to manage differences that arise. But we need to see that these differences add value and are not a negative thing. Empathy creates stronger and more loving relationships. We must be quick to understand and support, and slow to judge.

Is there a relationship in your life that is proving troublesome?
When was the last time you made an unfair judgment about a person?
How could you reframe that relationship in order to improve it?
How would that improve things for both of you?

Genuine people are authentic to their core. They do not try to be someone they are not. They admit their faults and treat everyone with respect, and they do what they say they will do. We can’t always avoid non-genuine people, but there are a variety of ways to lessen their negative effect.

Do you find it difficult to speak your truth and express yourself?
When was the last time you blamed someone else for things going wrong?
Do you catch yourself sounding or behaving like someone else?
How do you feel about changing your behaviour to be your genuine self?

REVIEWS

“Wow! My wife and I have been practicing these behavioural principles, and guess what? They work! Thank you!”

DAVID SHELBY

“I had no idea I was holding myself back in so many areas of my life. This book has truly had a transformative effect on me.”

JULIE MCDONALD

“I’ve only just finished this book, but already I am recommending it to everyone I meet.

Inspirational!”

STUART BAXTER

“This amazing book carries a clear message, valid for almost everyone. Stop trying to change what other people say and do and change yourself instead. You cannot change the World but you can change how you interact with it.

Written by one of the most inspiring people I have been privileged to work with, it can only bring positive things into your life and anyone you share it with.”

STEVEN WOOD

DON'T LET

OTHERS

DEFINE

YOU.

BUY

Behaviour can build or destroy relationships in an instant. Good relationships are built on trust. To build trust we need to respect others and show them that we are genuinely interested in them. If we are in a difficult or frustrating situation, there are many ways to maintain that trust.

Have you recently damaged a relationship through poor behaviour?
Are you willing to look at how you could have behaved better?
Do you do things that lead to poor communication, like interrupting?
Do you know who Carnegie was, and why his model for behaviour was so effective?

When we accept full responsibility for our life, we take control of our behaviour. Blaming others takes this control away. If we cease blaming others, we stop being the victim and learn to value ourselves and do the things that make us happy because we want to.

Is there something you really want to do but blame others for not being able to do it?
How could you make it happen?
Are you tired of feeling a victim to other people’s opinions of you?
Do you want this to change, so you can change?

We are able to control our behaviour by controlling our thoughts, emotions and attitudes. When we face a negative situation, there are a variety of ways to approach it in a more positive way. Developing a more positive attitude, and reflecting on how we can make improvements, changes our lives.

Have you ever thought ‘Well, I could have approached that better’?
How many of your thoughts are negative and how many are positive?
Are you aware of how much your thoughts affect your mood?
Are you willing to challenge your thoughts for the better?

We live in a world where people are quick to judge and define us. We shouldn’t let them. Our time on this earth is precious, so we need to surround ourselves with positive people and seek support from trusted friends or colleagues if we find ourselves struggling.

Has criticism stopped you from doing what you really want to do?
Could you find a close friend or a positive person who could support you?
How do you think you would feel after talking to them?

For whatever reason, not everyone can express themselves easily. It is important to work out who we really are and what we want to be. We need to find a safe environment in which to express this, and in a way that respects others and their feedback.

How do you express your feelings, emotions and thoughts at the moment?
Are you quick to get angry or upset, and do you think this is beneficial?
Do you want to learn to share your thoughts in a non-threatening way?
Do you think better self-expression might lead to a better you?

Words have real power, so we need to use words which are well-chosen and appropriate because they can have a big impact on both our thoughts and feelings as well as those around us. If we actively use positive language, it can make a real difference in our social and professional circles.

Do you ever compliment people you meet, or do you hold back?
Do you think you’re a mainly negative or positive person?
Do you notice people avoiding you?
Why do you think that is?

In our lives we have people who support and love us, people we can depend on. Sometimes this is a family member or a work colleague. Sometimes it is a friend. Trust is the glue that holds all relationships together. To gain trust, we all need to be reliable and open and honest.

If you were in an aeroplane, who would you trust to pack your parachute?
Why would you trust this person above everybody else?
Do you have the qualities you see in this person?
If not, do you want to develop these qualities so you can be trusted?

Generosity changes the world. Even small acts can make a big difference. We can be generous with our words, home, time, money and possessions; or we can share our story with people. If we are generous with others, the response is amazing.

Do you think you are a generous person?
How could you be a little more generous with what you have?
Have you seen someone in need recently and ignored that need?
How would being generous in that moment have changed both your lives?

We need to trust ourselves to make our own decisions and not let others make them for us. (This is different to asking trusted people in our life for advice.) We make many decisions every day, and we really are the best person to make these decisions because only we know how we really feel and our particular circumstances.

What decisions have you made today?
Were they difficult, or easy?
Do you actually trust yourself to make decisions, small or big?
If not, do you want to learn how to?

Knowing when to speak and when to keep quiet is vitally important. If we feel it is a time to speak, then we must still carefully plan what we are going to say and how and where. Other times, keeping quiet is the best form of action.

When was the last time you voiced your opinion?
Did it go well, or not so well?
Do you know why?
Looking back, should you have stayed quiet?

We all see things in a unique way, and sometimes our perceptions can be wrong. Therefore, we need to keep an open mind and save our opinions and judgments until we have fully examined a situation.

Do you often find yourself reaching different conclusions to everyone else?
Do you try to convince other people that your view is the right one?
Does this work or not?
How do you think you could learn to look at the bigger picture more?

Listening properly to someone is a really important skill that needs to be practiced. If we listen to what someone has to say, we gain a better understanding of them and we can also learn a lot. Welcoming other people’s ideas shows we care about what they have to say and value them.

Do you know anyone who is a good listener?
What do you like about them, and how do they make you feel?
Do you think you’re like that?
How do you think people feel when you have a conversation with them?

Unconditional love means loving someone despite their mistakes or imperfections; but we can only do this if we learn to accept and love ourselves first. Unconditional love also means showing we care, extending forgiveness, and allowing someone to make their own choices even if we feel they are wrong.

Are you really quick to judge the people you love in your life?
Could you make improvements in the way you love them?
Which areas of how you love them require the most improvement?
Do you need to learn to love yourself, too?

Many people have become highly successful in their field because they were able to identify a weakness, which they then set out to conquer. The best way to turn a weakness into strength is to challenge it, and often it becomes the very thing that changes our behaviour and our life.

If you’re completely honest, what are your weaknesses?
Are you brave enough to ask someone to help you with this if you need to?
How do you think it would feel to face that weakness head-on?
Would you be able to do something about it?

Legacy is not just about the possessions we leave, but the quality of our connections and how we spent our time. We need to live our lives with grace and strong values, so that these qualities can make an important difference in the lives of others. It is only through our behaviour and relationships that we can leave the best legacy.

How would you like to be remembered?
Could you invest more in character rather than possessions?
Be honest, what do you think people will say about you when you’re gone?
Does this worry you enough to start making changes?

The survival chances for cardiac arrest is doubled, even tripled, if immediate cardiac

pulmonary resuscitation (CPR) is administered in the time waiting for the emergency services to arrive. Learning CPR is a demonstration of our commitment to be the best we can be in service to our fellowman.